To interpret my concept more in detail, it is necessary for me to talk about the interrelation between this ‘breaking’ propensity and ‘fixing’compulsion, which I claimed that are underlying nature of almost everyone.
Such conflict, I believe, is stimulated by unconscious instincts whether its a positive or negative instinct. To accomplish this, ‘libido’ plays a substantial role in the process of producing the ‘instinct’ —— as ‘libido’, according to Freud(1915), refers to not merely the force of sexual impulsion but the general instinct force.
As Freud argues, there are four essential terms in reference to the word ‘instinct’ —— its ‘pressure’, ‘aim’, ‘object’, and ‘source’. In a word, the pressure as a factor creates a chemical stimulus through a certain object aimed at accomplishing self-satisfaction or to say, ‘instinctual satisfaction’. The ‘object’ apparently refers to those we see from phenomena in our daily life, a physical object or a person. I always feel that no matter it is a thing or ourselves or someone else, the ‘object’ we attend to damage it physically or mentally to obtain a pleasure principle. Whether it is ‘life instinct’ or death ‘instinct’, our’libido’ drives us towards a further destination, which gives us libidinal desires and makes us alive. I’m not in the position to judge any forms of human instincts but agree to this mysterious process, in which we find our very selves.
We keep repeating devastation and fixing as if there is truly a cure to fix ourselves. we harm people and eager to be harmed; we fix them and waiting to be fixed. Such circular loop makes us a complex creature. We are, at least i know I am, a sadism and a masochism. I am always struggling, trying to isolate myself from everyone else, playing innocent exchange for sympathy or pity, as a fake solution of filling that vacancy for lack of ability to pretend, pretend to be not miserable —— which, only makes me more miserable. I long for the misery of being damaged as it makes me feel something painful but real. I long for being saved from the misery as I don’t want to be a misery. I call it, a loser.
In my case, the enjoyment of being at an instability of unpleasure became my pleasure. It manipulates me and i manipulate it. to live in this coexisted space, i feel my pleasure principles comes from self-deception. However, i must say, everyone, is living in self-deception. No human can survive in a wholly realistic and honest world. We all need this lie —— that we cannot avoid tragedy as shit happens —— only the truth is that a tragedy being a tragedy because we make it. Maybe the word ‘tragedy’ exists as an excuse for us to explain the situation when we need those dramas happen to distinguish ourselves and exhibits ourselves as an emotional human being.