The natural desire of devastating for pleasure

 

To interpret my concept more in detail, it is necessary for me to talk about the interrelation between this ‘breaking’ propensity and ‘fixing’compulsion, which I claimed that are underlying nature of almost everyone.

 

Such conflict, I believe, is stimulated by unconscious instincts whether its a positive or negative instinct. To accomplish this, ‘libido’ plays a substantial role in the process of producing the ‘instinct’ —— as ‘libido’, according to Freud(1915), refers to not merely the force of sexual impulsion but the general instinct force.

 

As Freud argues, there are four essential terms in reference to the word ‘instinct’ —— its ‘pressure’, ‘aim’, ‘object’, and ‘source’.  In a word, the pressure as a factor creates a chemical stimulus through a certain object aimed at accomplishing self-satisfaction or to say, ‘instinctual satisfaction’.  The ‘object’ apparently refers to those we see from phenomena in our daily life, a physical object or a person. I always feel that no matter it is a thing or ourselves or someone else, the ‘object’ we attend to damage it physically or mentally to obtain a pleasure principle. Whether it is ‘life instinct’ or death ‘instinct’, our’libido’ drives us towards a further destination, which gives us libidinal desires and makes us alive. I’m not in the position to judge any forms of human instincts but agree to this mysterious process, in which we find our very selves.

 

We keep repeating devastation and fixing as if there is truly a cure to fix ourselves. we harm people and eager to be harmed; we fix them and waiting to be fixed. Such circular loop makes us a complex creature. We are, at least i know I am, a sadism and a masochism. I am always struggling, trying to isolate myself from everyone else, playing innocent exchange for sympathy or pity, as a fake solution of filling that vacancy for lack of ability to pretend, pretend to be not miserable —— which, only makes me more miserable.  I long for the misery of being damaged as it makes me feel something painful but real. I long for being saved from the misery as I don’t want to be a misery. I call it, a loser.

 

In my case,  the enjoyment of being at an instability of unpleasure became my pleasure. It manipulates me and i manipulate it. to live in this coexisted space, i feel my pleasure principles comes from self-deception. However, i must say, everyone, is living in self-deception. No human can survive in a wholly realistic and honest world. We all need this lie —— that we cannot avoid tragedy as shit happens —— only the truth is that a tragedy being a tragedy because we make it. Maybe the word ‘tragedy’ exists as an excuse for us to explain the situation when we need those dramas happen to distinguish ourselves and exhibits ourselves as an emotional human being.

 

 

After I tried breaking and then fixing these glasses, it became pretty apparent that I’m not going to be able to shoot all this progress into a full-length shot, as only the sticking took me 4 hours, like solving puzzles. Thereby maybe I could divide the ‘break’ and ‘fix’ into two different processes to embody this one phrase through separated forms —— which is to show the result after fixing through the objects while showing the process or moments of breaking through videos with sound.

 

After the crit: film or performance?

 

Yesterday, after I presented my experimental pieces, there comes a question that whether would the form of this piece be a film or a performance. I am still swinging between the two of them, however, considering all the advice I received during the crit, I do need to determine it before I proceed any further.

 

Reviewing those experiments (videos), it comes to my attention that my destination has become blurred as I am tending to another direction which is simply repetitions rather than the repetition of breaking and fixing. The idea of the videos was not even about me, I mean, it’s not important for me to be a figure in the videos cuz what I wanted to convey is that I am nobody, anyone could be that figure in the image cuz it could be anyone. Therefore there is no more need to do a performance work since it could not directly or accurately express what I’m trying to say. To this degree, if I want to make the video idea really work for my piece, I would say maybe I should choose the film.

Decisions on this piece (desired direction & its connotation)

 

The core concept of my project is that we repeat breaking and fixing things all the time, in which breaking represents kind of abreaction and fixing represents indulging the desires. Also, people always devastate or damage something or someone to implement self-relieve or self-value, using arrogance to fill the hole of the void in our life.

 

I assumed that this tendency of keeping the repetition of ‘break and fix’ comes from human’s natural orientation of self-devastating (which can be dug deeper from ‘Death drive’ theory of Freud that I am currently exploring) and the driven source of idealistic fantasy inside.

 

So right now I would like to focus more on how to present the process of this circulation of breaking and fixing, to establish some sense of pointlessness and depression (as the emotion to process), which I would like to try expressing it in the form of performance art. This is an unexplored new area for me but I have got this enthusiasm to make my imagination come true.

 

However, I imagined it should be multiple videos that showed on one single screen, suggesting that at the same moment, repeating doing different things. At the same time, the same person –– me, same repetitions, like in different parallel spaces/universes, all happen together, such cliches, such general.